Throw back Thursday and being 40

Yesterday, I turned 40.

As for the day itself, it really just felt like any other day.  I got TWO birthday cards this year. Yep, just two.  And one of them was from Marlboro with cigarette coupons in it.  I’m not a smoker.  I felt like they were saying “Go ahead and smoke, Bunny. You’re so old now that you’ll be long gone before the cancer can take ya.”

Thanks Marlboro.

I blame facebook.  Everyone says HAPPY BIRTHDAY on facebook, so they don’t have to put any thought into picking out a card that actually SAYS SOMETHING.  I got a ton of Happy Birthday messages on the facebook and twitter.  But that is all they said “Happy Birthday!”, Im sure that was copy and pasted to all the other birthday people listed on the friends list.  So I just copied and pasted “THANK YOU!” in return. 

It felt lonely.

I don’t think I look 40, but I definitely feel it.  I feel old and run down.  I imagine this is how crack heads or drunks feel.  I feel dirty and like I haven’t had more than a few hours sleep in weeks. I have to stop moving to concentrate on anything.  Rethink things to make sure I am thinking about them the right way.  Reel myself in, when I start “blowing things out of proportion” or letting my imagination “fill in the blanks” to give me “worst case scenario”.  I have serious trust issues and a whole slew of complicated things I can’t talk to anyone about yet.

No, I’m not going crazy.  I am just tired.  I’m officially OLD.  And I am depressed. 

My divorce STILL isn’t finalized.  My ex, bless his heart, is such a douche. It disgusts me.  I’m not even disgusted with HIM, I am disgusted with myself.  How in the HELL did I convince myself he was a good man? How did I ever let myself live such a “lie”?  It is really kind of sad.  Now that I am out of that relationship, I can see how bad it was.  When I was IN IT, though… That is just the “way it is” and it was acceptable- How it was “supposed” to be.

*sigh*

The day I filed for food stamps – my ex messaged me to tell me he was buying a house with the woman he cheated on me with.  Really?  I ate my pride and filed for food stamps, because without them- we cant get by….and he gets to buy a HOUSE with his girlfriend?  REALLY?

That didn’t rub salt enough, I guess, because I got my first food stamps on Oct 8th.  ($111 for the month for a family of 3, yeah….) On October 11th, he shorted me $110 in child support.  Yep, that just happened.  Apparently, food stamps aren’t to help us get by, they are to lessen the amount he pays. 

I can’t wait to have this divorce DONE and all down in PAPERWORK, all nice and legal like. Binding.

Yesterday,my 40th birthday, was the first time in my LIFE that I wasn’t awoken between 6 – 7 am, by my Granny calling to wish me Happy Birthday. 

Up until today, when I awoke and realized my Granny didn’t call me on my birthday, I felt like she wasn’t really sick with the Alz. 

But Granny missed my birthday. 

If you knew anything about my Gran, you would know she NEVER misses her babies birthdays. NEVER. It is just a given that if you are in our family – on your birthday, that annoying ass phone will ring LONG before you are ready to get up.  And you will answer it, because you know it is Granny.  Calling to tell you she loved you and didn’t forget your birthday.  You will sit and talk on the phone for an hour.  WIth your eyes closed, because you are so tired and not ready to get up.  But that is Granny and you will not deny her being the first one to wish you happy birthday.

Yesterday, my phone didn’t ring.  Not once.

Today, I know that the Alz is real. And as I type this with tears rolling down my cheeks, I miss my Granny more than anything.  And I worry that someday, my kids or grandkids will be typing this exact same kind of post on a blog or whatever people do then, about me.

Happy birthday, Me.  You are 40.  You are now a grown up.  And it sucks.

Meal Plan + Morning Vlog, Hello Monday.

Good Morning, guys.  How was your weekend?  Mine was ok, I guess.  Started out ok, then hit a rough patch.  Yesterday was pretty good.  Started out as a lazy day, with a bit of “family fun”.  The guys played Magic, while Sis played on the internet.  Me, I obviously was in a photography kind of mood because I took some 700 photos yesterday. LOL

After that, I took off to visit my son’s Nanna.  I love that woman. SO much. 

My own mother and I have never been close. She left when I was three or four.  But Nanna… Nanna swooped in, in my early twenties as my son’s babysitter.  She has kind of filled in the Mom roll for me ever since.  She treats not only me but my kids, as her own.  I will be eternally grateful for her huge heart, forever.  Anyway…

Afternoons with Nanna are like therapy for me.  We talk about my divorce, she’s a great listener – and been through one herself, so she “gets” it.  She understands HOW I FEEL, and lets me know Im not crazy.  Well, as far as my feelings and this divorced are concerned anyway. lol
So…
Meal planning. 

This week, my week is fairly simple.

Monday
	Chicken Fettuccini Alfredo Salad Garlic Toast
Tuesday
	Meatloaf Mashed Potatoes Green Beans Rolls
Wednesday
	Spaghetti (click for my meatball recipe) Garlic Toast Salad

Thursday

• Salisbury Steak
• Rice
• Steamed Veggies

Friday

• Beans
• Cornbread

Saturday

• leftovers!

Sunday

Breakfast for dinner!

• Biscuits
• Sausage Gravy
• Scrambled Eggs
• Bacon

So, This week doesn’t seem like it will be such a big week. One “Left Over / Fend for Yourself” night, and boychild is cooking one night.  He is a master at spaghetti. Which is good, since that is his favorite meal. LOL 
Grocery wise: Not sure how much I’ll be spending this week.  Heading to the store a little later today.  The list is long, but not as long as usual – AND – there are no bigger ticket items (like detergent which is $15 now!), so hopefully, my bill wont be huge.
I usually spend around $250+ .  I am desperately trying to figure out how to get that weekly total DOWN.  Meal planning has helped a little, but if Im being honest… not that much.  So if you have any tips, please share them! LOL
For more Meal Plans, check out:

Fun Friday! Brandon Crafts a D.I.Y. Magic: The Gathering Life Counter Abacus

My son, who is 17 is very much into the role playing, card game, called MAGIC.  He has played it for a few years and now even goes to tournaments and the like.  Me, I do books, Bub… he does Magic.  It’s HIS thing….

One day, one of the channels I love to watch over on youtube called Geek & Sundry, posted a “Do it Yourself” video for making your own Abacus.  Now, I had no idea what that was, or what it was for – but I say a) it was something crafty! and b) it was MAGIC which meant the boy-child and I could do a little bonding.  So, not watching the video – I posted it to his facebook wall so he’d see it.

I probably should have watched the video, because man OH man… this was sure a lot of cutting!  Scary, with a craft knife (or in our case a box knife) cutting.  After watching Bub nearly take off his finger a few times – I volunteered to do all the cutting. Seriously.  There was about to be bloodshed. LOL

So I spent the afternoon cutting these little buggers out while Bub was at school.  He chose a bunch of PlanesWalker cards, that he had extra.  Don’t ask me, I have no idea.
When he came in from school he had to assemble it all…

and after an hour or so of working, he had his finished product!


Supplies we used in making this project:

• Making Memories Cutting Mat, 17 Inch-by-23 Inch
• Mono Multi Liquid Glue Carded, 0.88-Ounce
• 3-pk Hi cutter knife (18mm) Snap Off Knife, retail box Labelled for home-office
• Magic the Gathering Cards Plus Bonus 25 Rares
• 2 Paperclips
• and some beads

Fun stuff!  Have a great weekend, you guys!