Throw back Thursday and being 40

Yesterday, I turned 40.

As for the day itself, it really just felt like any other day.  I got TWO birthday cards this year. Yep, just two.  And one of them was from Marlboro with cigarette coupons in it.  I’m not a smoker.  I felt like they were saying “Go ahead and smoke, Bunny. You’re so old now that you’ll be long gone before the cancer can take ya.”

Thanks Marlboro.

I blame facebook.  Everyone says HAPPY BIRTHDAY on facebook, so they don’t have to put any thought into picking out a card that actually SAYS SOMETHING.  I got a ton of Happy Birthday messages on the facebook and twitter.  But that is all they said “Happy Birthday!”, Im sure that was copy and pasted to all the other birthday people listed on the friends list.  So I just copied and pasted “THANK YOU!” in return. 

It felt lonely.

I don’t think I look 40, but I definitely feel it.  I feel old and run down.  I imagine this is how crack heads or drunks feel.  I feel dirty and like I haven’t had more than a few hours sleep in weeks. I have to stop moving to concentrate on anything.  Rethink things to make sure I am thinking about them the right way.  Reel myself in, when I start “blowing things out of proportion” or letting my imagination “fill in the blanks” to give me “worst case scenario”.  I have serious trust issues and a whole slew of complicated things I can’t talk to anyone about yet.

No, I’m not going crazy.  I am just tired.  I’m officially OLD.  And I am depressed. 

My divorce STILL isn’t finalized.  My ex, bless his heart, is such a douche. It disgusts me.  I’m not even disgusted with HIM, I am disgusted with myself.  How in the HELL did I convince myself he was a good man? How did I ever let myself live such a “lie”?  It is really kind of sad.  Now that I am out of that relationship, I can see how bad it was.  When I was IN IT, though… That is just the “way it is” and it was acceptable- How it was “supposed” to be.

*sigh*

The day I filed for food stamps – my ex messaged me to tell me he was buying a house with the woman he cheated on me with.  Really?  I ate my pride and filed for food stamps, because without them- we cant get by….and he gets to buy a HOUSE with his girlfriend?  REALLY?

That didn’t rub salt enough, I guess, because I got my first food stamps on Oct 8th.  ($111 for the month for a family of 3, yeah….) On October 11th, he shorted me $110 in child support.  Yep, that just happened.  Apparently, food stamps aren’t to help us get by, they are to lessen the amount he pays. 

I can’t wait to have this divorce DONE and all down in PAPERWORK, all nice and legal like. Binding.

Yesterday,my 40th birthday, was the first time in my LIFE that I wasn’t awoken between 6 – 7 am, by my Granny calling to wish me Happy Birthday. 

Up until today, when I awoke and realized my Granny didn’t call me on my birthday, I felt like she wasn’t really sick with the Alz. 

But Granny missed my birthday. 

If you knew anything about my Gran, you would know she NEVER misses her babies birthdays. NEVER. It is just a given that if you are in our family – on your birthday, that annoying ass phone will ring LONG before you are ready to get up.  And you will answer it, because you know it is Granny.  Calling to tell you she loved you and didn’t forget your birthday.  You will sit and talk on the phone for an hour.  WIth your eyes closed, because you are so tired and not ready to get up.  But that is Granny and you will not deny her being the first one to wish you happy birthday.

Yesterday, my phone didn’t ring.  Not once.

Today, I know that the Alz is real. And as I type this with tears rolling down my cheeks, I miss my Granny more than anything.  And I worry that someday, my kids or grandkids will be typing this exact same kind of post on a blog or whatever people do then, about me.

Happy birthday, Me.  You are 40.  You are now a grown up.  And it sucks.